Mud Pies, White Couches and Reinventing Myself

I am on vacation with my husband and two children in the Bahamas staying with my in-laws.  I use the word vacation with a lighter tone as those of you that have children know, there are no vacations only different scenes in which you are parenting.  The other night as I was madly trying to get my very hungry and crying 18month old fed while my 4 year old was making a mud pie on my mother-in-laws white couch I felt the tension move quite literally from my feet into my legs and rise up into my head until I felt that familiar feeling “holy shit I’m going to lose it in about 5 seconds”.

Between the hungry cries of my little one and my 4 year old asking why it wasn’t a good idea to make mud-pies on the couch, I began my silent self talk, don’t yell, breathe, take a moment.  My physical desire was to unleash all the energy rising in my body with my voice.  I held back knowing that it would lead to my kids feeling over-powered and disconnected.  I managed to somehow override the pattern of reacting from my own fear and frustration and channel that into not changing my children my changing myself.

It was in that fine, pin-dropping, revealing moment that I realized mothering has led me again to another revelation in myself.  Parenting has given me all sorts of epiphanies and taught me the nuances of energy, the power of words and the grief of allowing my personal issues parent the situation instead of my heart.  And now another thing…it has taught me to let go to reinventing myself.  Children are quite exquisitely naturally great at this.  They are amazing shape-shifting, mood-shifting non-attachment beings. If they are sad, they are sad and next they may be happy but definitely not thinking about how sad they were a moment before.  I too am learning how to be like this.  By reinventing myself, and allowing the energy of frustration to move through me instead of it getting stuck and holding on to it.  By letting it move, like energy likes to, it becomes free, unstuck and then we all feel that freedom…then we can  fill up with more important things like dinner, mud-pies and love.